chapter Six
The week seemed to drag by. My brother noticed something was going on because he called me into his office late Thursday afternoon.
“So?” My brother looked up from his stack of contracts. “You’re not your usual cold and heartless self. What’s going on?”
I shrugged. I wasn’t used to discussing any aspect of my life with Jake, especially not my love life, if you could even call it that.
“Does it have anything to do with you going away for the long weekend?”
“Maybe.”
“Look, I know we haven’t exactly been close.” That was an understatement. My brother seemed to be searching for words, which was unusual. He generally knew exactly what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it. He was always polished and to the point. “If there’s ever anything you want to talk about, just let me know.”
Twenty-three years and my brother finally gave a shit about me. What a joke. I wanted to say: Where were you when I was fourteen and really needed some guidance and someone to talk to? Where were you when I just started to go off the rails? It’s a little late now that I’m a complete and total f*ck up. But he did give me a job and he was showing some interest, so I didn’t completely tear him a new one.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I affirmed.
I could hear him heave a sigh as I bolted out of his office.
***
That night, when I was spray-misting Marvin, I noticed a small sprout starting to develop. It was new growth! I couldn’t have been more elated. I immediately reached for the phone and called Brett. It had been nearly a week since we talked and it felt a lot longer. He had warned me that he wouldn’t have a lot of time to phone me during the week because he worked crazy long hours but he did text me sweet little messages, which made me smile.
I didn’t even see him much on Facebook but I noticed Sweater Vest had posted some “How are you doing?” messages to his wall. I guess she only felt concern for him when it looked like he had another girl in his life. I was glad to see that Brett didn’t respond, at least not publically. That’s not to say that they didn’t resume communication and I just didn’t see it, which made me incredibly jealous.
Brett’s phone rang and rang. I expected for voicemail to pick up but there was nothing. Weird. I didn’t want to come across as a stalker, so I didn’t immediately try again. I waited a few hours then phoned back.
“Anna,” Brett said when he finally picked up. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I saw that you phoned earlier. I’m sorry I couldn’t phone you back right away. Work has been crazy.”
“I was surprised your voicemail didn’t pick up. I would have left a message.”
There was an awkward moment of silence before Brett responded. That couldn’t be good, I thought.
“I was on the phone with Becca,” he said quickly.
Now I was the one who was silent.
“Anna, are you still there?” Brett’s voice sounded strained.
I didn’t want to come across as a crazy jealous bitch but that was exactly how I was feeling. I knew the female brain well enough to know that Sweater Vest would try to get her claws back into him the minute there was another girl in the picture.
“I’m here,” I managed to get out with minimal emotion, even though inside I was going f*cking nuts.
“Becca’s going through a little bit of a rough patch right now.”
“I bet she is,” I blurted. I came out a lot nastier than I would have liked.
“Nothing’s going on between us. She still considers me a friend, that’s all.”
“Whatever,” I hissed. “I didn’t call to talk about Sweater Vest.”
“I know. I’m sorry. What do you need?”
Before I could stop myself, I said, “I don’t need anything. I’ve never needed anyone or anything and I’m not going to start with you.”
Silence again. I waited for Brett to say something—anything. Finally, he said, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I can’t stop you from talking to Sweater Vest but I hope you can see what she’s doing. She didn’t want you until someone else did. Now you’re desirable again because she thinks someone else has you.”
“You do have me,” Brett said quietly. Now he was the one, who sounded hurt.
“It doesn’t feel like I have you right now.”
“I need to see you.” Brett sounded like he might cry and that twisted me up inside. “I would hop on a plane right now if I could but I have to work all weekend. We have a huge project due on Monday and we’re way behind.”
“We’re going to see each other next weekend at the wedding. It’s only eight days from now.”
“Please don’t be mad at me. It breaks my heart when you’re upset.”
I wanted to say: then don’t do anything to piss me off—like talking to Sweater Vest but I held my tongue. I was actually showing some restraint, which was a little growth for me, just like Marvin.
“I just remembered the reason I called. Marvin has a small sprout.”
“Who’s Marvin?”
“My plant.”
Brett laughed. “You named your plant Marvin?”
“It’s a great name and it suits him. Don’t you name your plants?”
“I’ve never named a plant.”
“Maybe you should try.”
“Does that mean that Marvin has come back to life?”
“Marvin is doing exceptionally well. Not only has he come back to life, he’s starting to grow.”
“Take another photo and send it to me.”
“I will do that.”
Brett hesitated for a moment before speaking again. “Are you going out this weekend?” I could hear the strain in his voice again.
“I hadn’t really planned that far ahead.” And it was the truth. I generally went out when I got an itch to hang out and have fun.
I could tell Brett wanted to say more but he hesitated. “Well, if you do go out, would you think about me?”
How could I not? He was pretty much all I thought about lately. “Okay.”
“I really want to be with you right now.” I could hear the longing in his voice.
“I want to be with you, too,” I admitted.
“Be good.”
“I’m always good,” I teased even though I knew our definitions of the word were probably different.
“I know,” Brett said as he hung up.
***
It was nine o’clock on a Saturday night and I was still at home, in sweatpants and a tee shirt. I couldn’t remember the last time I was home on a Saturday night. I may have been 12.
My roommate came in with one of her witch friends. At one time, I thought she told me the girl’s name was Zelda. Zelda was dressed in all black, just like Winter, but Zelda was more than a little overweight. The two gawked at me when they saw me on the couch.
“What’s going on?” Winter said. She was trying to be casual but she seemed to be in shock.
I shrugged. “Not much.” I put down the People magazine I had been reading.
I was lounging on the love seat, so Winter and Zelda took seats on the couch.
“Aren’t you going out?” Winter asked uncomfortably. She clearly didn’t know what to make of the situation.
“Nope.”
I could see Winter and Zelda eyeing each other. Then Winter said, “Why not?”
“I’m spending the evening with Marvin.”
Winter looked around the apartment. “You’ve got a guy here? Where is he? Is he in the bathroom?”
Both girls’ turned toward the bathroom at the same time. We could all see from where we were sitting that the bathroom door was open and the room was completely empty.
One thing I never did was bring a guy back to our apartment. I told Winter I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable but the truth was that I always wanted to be in control of the morning-after’s. I wanted to be able to make a great escape without any drama. I always left guys apartments quickly and early. If a guy didn’t want to bring me to his place for sex it was always a deal breaker. My place was off limits.
I pointed to my plant. “That’s Marvin.”
Winter and Zelda looked at me like I’d gone mad.
“You named your plant?” Winter asked.
“Why Marvin,” Zelda added.
I shrugged. “Why not? Doesn’t he look like a Marvin?”
The girls both glanced at my plant.
“I guess so,” Zelda said and Winter looked at her like she was crazy.
“Just what does a Marvin look like?” Winter asked Zelda.
“Like that plant,” Zelda replied as if it explained everything.
Winter just shook her head. Then she turned to me and said, “Hey, we’re going to get a pizza and watch a movie. You in?”
So that’s what witches did on a Saturday night. Ate pizza and watched movies. It sounded so—normal. Not what I was expecting. Then it occurred to me that maybe they were watching some freaky witch movie. I wasn’t into blood and gore and all that kind of stuff. “What movie?” I asked cautiously.
“We’re going old school,” Zelda said. She held up a DVD of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
I had to laugh. “Yeah, sure. I love that movie.”
***
It was a little after 11 by the time I got into bed. It was the first time in years that I had been in my own bed on a Saturday night. My phone vibrated and there was a text from Brett: I miss you.
I phoned him. “I miss you, too,” I said when he picked up.
“You’re home?” Brett sounded surprised.
“I am. I have been all evening.”
“You didn’t go out?”
“You told me to be good.”
“And do you always do everything you’re told to do?’
“Almost never. But I guess it depends who’s doing the telling.”
“I wish I was there right now to give you a good-night kiss.”
That isn’t all I want you to give me, I thought. “Next weekend. In Tucson. You can give me all the kisses you want.”
“I can’t wait.”
“Did you hear about the party Friday night? Everyone is getting together at the Screaming Cactus after the rehearsal dinner.”
There was a long pause. “I’ll try to be there but I know I’ll be late. We’re having some huge problems with that big project I was telling you about. I had to pull in some major favors just to be able to get the weekend off to go to the wedding.”
“It means a lot to me that you’re going to be there.”
“I wouldn’t miss a chance to see you.”
***
Standing at the front entrance of the church with the four other bridesmaids, waiting for the rehearsal to start, I realized how much every wedding was exactly alike. The outfits, the rituals, the script, even the music, everything was always the same.
If I ever got married (which was a big if because, who was ever going to ask me to be his wife?) I knew I didn’t want a wedding like everyone else. No hideous bridesmaids’ dress (I didn’t even want bridesmaids at all), no Pachelbel’s Cannon and definitely no church. (God knows, I had no business in a church and definitely no business getting married in one.)
I zoned out through most of the rehearsal thinking about Brett. I wondered what kind of wedding Brett wanted. Did he want a traditional wedding in a church with groomsmen and a Unity candle? I couldn’t see him relishing Pachelbel (more like Pearl Jam). I could see him wanting flowers, though. Lots and lots of flowers. Of course, that made me think of Sweater Vest. He had been engaged to her. I wondered if they had planned a big wedding. She seemed like the type who would want it all. Even the Unity candle.
The rehearsal dinner was at a small Italian restaurant that was owned by an aunt and uncle of the groom. I didn’t usually go for Italian but the meal was delicious. One of the groomsmen, Rocco, sat next to me and tried hitting on me most of the night. I had no interest in Rocco. He was short and already had a beer gut, which was a complete turn off. And he was a bit too crude for me, which said a lot.
It took everything in me not to tell him off at the table but I didn’t want to ruin Olivia and Zach’s special weekend. Finally, when the dinner ended, and everyone was exiting the restaurant, I decided to put Rocco in his place.
“You going out with everyone tonight?” he said as he undressed me with his eyes.
“Why do you care?” I turned my back to him.
He grabbed my arm and spun me around toward him. “Maybe I want some action.” Definitely crude.
“The only action you’re going to see is my fist making contact with your eye if you don’t let go of me.” I was so angry, I was practically spitting on him.
“Feisty. I bet you’re a real knockout in bed.”
He didn’t let go of my arm. I had given him fair warning. I didn’t want to leave a mark on his face with the wedding the next afternoon, so I did the next best thing, I kneed him in the groin.
“You f*cking bitch,” he moaned as he doubled over in pain.
“I told you to let go of me,” I yelled as I stormed away.
***
I knew I should have waited until Brett got into town to meet everyone at the Screaming Cactus, a popular bar that was within walking distance of the hotel. But there was a little voice in head saying, “Go, just have one drink. It’ll be fun.”(Like I’d ever had just one drink in my life.) I knew I shouldn’t have listened to that stupid voice.
I was on my third glass of wine (wine and beer were being paid for by the wedding party) when Joey Vincetti asked me to dance. I had briefly dated Joey in high school but we hadn’t seen each other much since then. He joined a frat in college and hung around mostly with his frat brothers. When he saw me standing by the dance floor, he approached like a vulture to a fresh carcass. Even though I was a little drunk, I could still tell he was even more wasted than I was.
“Hey, Babe,” he slurred as he slung an arm over my shoulder. “You’re looking delicious as always.”
I glanced up at him. He wasn’t much taller than me but he was thick with muscle. He was always a jock in high school, he excelled in football and wrestling, and obviously still worked out. His dark brown hair was a little messy and I noticed his white button down shirt was starting to get untucked from his well-worn and extremely well-fitting jeans. I remembered how well he filled out his jeans in high school. That was one of the main things that attracted me to him. That and his brown bedroom-eyes. All of his attributes seemed to have been slightly enhanced since our high school days. The good looking high school boy that I had been with was now an incredibly hot guy.
Joey was so close to me I could smell his cologne. The bar was crowded and loud, so he leaned in close to my ear. I could feel his breath on my neck. My body responded with shivery tingles even though my mind was screaming, “No, run!”
“Wanna dance?” His question was more seductive than a normal request. I’m sure he wanted to dance in his bed later, too.
“I’m kind of waiting for someone,” I managed to get out with some difficulty. He was killing me with those beautiful brown eyes.
“Kind of? What does that mean? Either you’re waiting for someone or you’re not.”
I gulped. “I am waiting for someone.”
I knew he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I remembered Joey being very persistent in high school. I doubted things had changed much. The way he looked now, I’m sure he rarely heard the word no anyway.
“He’s not here now, is he?”
I shook my head.
“Remember how good we were together, Babe. That was, what, six—seven years ago—and I still remember how good you felt. You rocked my little sixteen year old world.” Then he leaned in even closer. His lips were so close to my neck, I thought he might start kissing me. “I still want you. Bad.”
I could feel my heart start to pound. I wanted to escape. My resistance was low and in my compromised (okay, half-drunken) state, I knew Joey would be able to talk me into going back to his room with him.
Joey then pressed himself against the back of my short white dress. “See how hard I am for you, Babe. See what you do to me.”
I swallowed hard. It had been weeks since I’d had sex—the wedding with Brett, which I didn’t even remember. I was horny as hell. Joey pushing his rather prominent erection against me wasn’t helping.
I closed my eyes for a minute to try and clear my head. When I opened them again, an extremely angry Brett was standing right in front of me and Joey.
Brett’s arms were crossed over his chest and his glare was blazing. “What the hell is going on?” he roared. I had never seen him angry. I know it sounds terrible but Brett’s anger kind of turned me on. Probably not the best reaction considering the situation I was in. Joey backed away but only slightly. He still had his arm around me.
“Get your hands off of her,” Brett ordered. He actually had an alpha-male inside of him, which surprised me.
Even though Joey could have knocked the shit out of Brett fairly easily, he did as he was told and removed his arm from my shoulder. There was something in Brett’s tone and definitely in his eyes that said he wasn’t f*cking around.
“I guess this is the guy you’re waiting for,” Joey said.
“Yeah,” Brett spewed. “I’m that guy.” As soon as he said the words that guy, Brett glared at me. He really meant that Joey was that guy, one of the many that guys, who I had no business being with.
“Is he your boyfriend?” Joey was focused on Brett. The tone of his question made it sound like he couldn’t believe I’d choose Brett over him.
Brett really wasn’t my boyfriend. At least, I didn’t think he was. I wasn’t sure what he was because we had never really discussed it.
“Something like that,” Brett said to Joey as he grabbed my arm and pulled me close to him.
“We’re going,” Brett demanded. “Now.”
Brett pulled me by my elbow out of the bar and down the block toward the hotel where the wedding party and guests were staying. He was walking so fast, I could barely keep up with him in my high heels. “Can you slow down a little?” I muttered.
As if he hadn’t even realized how fast we were walking, he said, “Yeah, sure” and slowed down.
When we got back to his room, I prepared myself for whatever was going to come next. I could see Brett was still incredibly angry and I still thought it was sexy as hell. Probably not the best reaction, I knew, even though I was still tipsy.
Brett had kept his eyes closed for what seemed like several minutes. He rubbed his temples and I presumed he was trying to calm himself down and think about what he wanted to say.
I was ready for the worst. I knew there was a high probability he was going to kick me to the curb and I braced myself for it.
When he opened his eyes and looked at me, he looked sad instead of angry and that made me feel even worse.
“How much did you have to drink?” he asked.
I gulped. I had to think about it. I thought I had two, or maybe it was three, no, definitely three. “Three glasses of wine.”
He eyed me. “How big were the glasses?”
I giggled, which seemed to raise his temper again. I bit my lip in an attempt to stifle the giggles. “They were pretty big,” I said as seriously as I could.
Brett’s eyes grew dark as he looked at me. I suddenly couldn’t breathe. Panic was setting in. Brett was so good at making me nervous. “Did you want to sleep with that guy?”
I shook my head. As attractive as I may have found Joey, I really didn’t want to be with him again. I think I just liked the attention he was giving me more than anything else.
Brett still didn’t seem satisfied. “Have you ever been with him?”
I swallowed. My words seemed to get stuck in my throat. “Yes,” I finally managed to squeak out. “In high school.”
Brett turned away from me and shook his head. It was as if he was thinking again. Then he turned back to me. “Sometimes you make it extremely difficult to love you.”
I couldn’t believe what he had said. It sounded like he was trying to say he loved me, in a weird backhanded kind of way, but the words were still there. But how could he love me? Especially after what happened with Joey and every other guy I had ever been with. If he really knew me, if he knew every flaw on my long list, would he still tell me he loved me? I didn’t feel like I deserved his love.
I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around his chest. I could feel the tension drain from his body as he relaxed into my embrace. He gently kissed the top of my head then rested his cheek there. I could feel him let out a sigh then he kissed the top of my head again.
Then he leaned back and looked at me. It felt as if he was trying to take me all in.
“You look absolutely amazing,” he said. “I can understand why Joey wanted you. I’ll bet every guy in that bar wanted you, yet here you are with me.”
I nodded. “I want you, Brett. Only you.”
He ran his thumb softly down my cheek. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Only me?”
“Yes.”
I placed a soft kiss on his lips. Neither one of us moved as our lips continued touching. After a long moment, his mouth crashed into mine and his kisses became urgent and needy. He grabbed my ass and pulled me so close, I could feel his erection pressing against my body. I moaned in delight.
“I want you, Brett,” I said breathlessly. “Please. I want to feel you inside of me.”
To my surprise, he grabbed my arms and pushed me a few inches away from him.
“I’m sorry. I can’t. Not like this. Not when you’ve been drinking.”
“Please,” I pleaded. I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks. “I thought you wanted to be with me,” I sobbed.
“I do, Anna. I want you so badly it’s taking every ounce of willpower I have to say no but I have to. For both of us. When we make love, I want it to be special. I want it to be perfect and wonderful and everything you deserve it to be.”
I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed. I had never been turned down before and it hurt. I didn’t know how to feel about what he was saying. I had never considered waiting an option.
“I promise it will be worth the wait” He tried to reassure me.
I still felt sad and rejected. I tried one more time to get my way. I placed my hands on his chest and looked up at him. Then I licked my lips.
He swallowed. I could feel his heart beating faster. I kissed him. At first, he didn’t respond but as I kept at it, he slowly came around. When he thrust his tongue into my mouth, I knew it was game on. His kisses became raw and intense and he moaned.
“Anna, we have to stop,” he whispered between kisses.
But he didn’t stop, he continued kissing me with the power of the alpha male I had seen make an appearance at the bar. That was the man I wanted him to be in bed. And I wanted him more than I wanted air. I was desperate to feel him inside me. To fill the void that was now aching between my legs.
When I reached down to touch his rather large bulge, he grabbed my hand to stop me.
“No, not tonight.”
He turned me around so my back was facing him and he put his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me toward the bed.
“You have absolutely no self-control. I’m putting you to bed.”
“You’re not coming to bed with me?” I said as seductively as I could.
He sat me down on the edge of the bed. He removed the pumps from my feet and placed them on the floor next to the bed. Then he unzipped the back of my white mini dress and pulled it down. He paused for a moment to take in the sight of my lace pushup bra.
“Please wear that again,” he said.
I had to smile. Then he lifted my hips slightly so he could ease the dress completely off. He carefully placed the dress on the back of the desk chair and grabbed a tee shirt from his bag. It was Blink 182, a band that was on both of our Top Ten lists. He placed the tee shirt over my head then said, “Lift your arms.” I did as I was told and he put the tee shirt on me like he was dressing a five year old girl.
Then he inspected his work. “God, I love it when you wear my clothes. At this rate, I’ll be buying a new wardrobe soon.”
That made me laugh.
“Now get under the covers and go to sleep.”
“Where are you sleeping?” I asked. “I’m in your bed in your room.”
“In that chair,” he pointed to an overstuffed lounge chair in the corner of the room. “And I’m moving it in front of the door, so you don’t try to leave. I don’t want you ending up in Joey’s bed.”
That hit me. It felt like a slap in the face. Brett must have sensed that he hurt me because he immediately apologized. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”
The remark probably would have hurt a lot less if it wasn’t half true. A small part of me had wanted Joey. Granted, it was a small part, and getting even smaller the more I got to know Brett, but it was still there.
“Don’t you trust me?” My voice shaking.
Brett didn’t answer right away and he looked uncomfortable. “I trust you when you’re sober. But I don’t trust you when you’ve been drinking.”
Another slap and another truth about me now out in the open. I wondered why Brett wanted to be with me.
“You could stop,” he said quietly.
“Stop what,” I said even though I knew what he meant. I wanted to hear him say it.
Brett looked at me with so much compassion in his eyes, my heart skipped a few beats. “You could stop drinking.”
I didn’t know if I was ready. I didn’t know if I wanted to stop. I liked alcohol and I liked how I felt when I was drinking. Well, most of the time. I didn’t like it when I drank too much and I certainly didn’t like being hung over.
“I’ll think about it.” I turned away from him and crawled into bed.
“Okay,” he said but it didn’t sound like he believed me.
I didn’t think about it anymore. At that moment, all I wanted to do was go to sleep.